...in all this time that i've spent fealing sorry for myself i've realised something... that i'm fed up with it! i'm done being a dramaqueen, though very few people know the truth about what is going on with me, i still feel like i'm complaining all the time and that is no good for me or the people around me. so it's finally over.. it should have been a long time ago but i just can't stop. and that is my fault again, like so many othet things.. there are some mistakes in life that you can only do once and now i've accepted it and i know that the phrase "it's never too late" was just made up by incurable optimists who were actually cowards and kept kidding theirselves because they were afraid to look the truth in the eye, and therefor it is pure bullshit! maybe i'm starting to open my eyes, maybe this is the way to live, maybe they are right... those who don't give a goddamn flying fuck about fealings, who just live for pleasure, live for the moment and don't think about the day of tomorrow ... and love bahh!! love doesn't exist!!! it's just an illusion that drives you crazy, blinds you and eventually kills you. it's an illusion i never want to know again because eather way it just dissapeares and i have to find out that it wasn't even real. what we had wasn't real... real things survive, this 'thing' just died and it died easy, easyer than i ever thaught... so yes they are right, those who don't give a shit about love, who just "fool around" and never care... i never wanted to become a person like that, i never thaught i could do that, but trying desperately to forget makes one do things they'd never did before... so i've turned into something that makes me hate myself but at least nothing hurts me... or almost nothing, too bad the memories are still there. i look back at the past sometimes and i think the "me" from a year and a half ago would despise the present "me" she would call me a trash of a person and spit on me and i wouldn't say a word because she's right...